The Adventures (and Misadventures) of Anastasia and Alexei Barnes
by crazymarvellady
Summary: Anastasia and Alexei Barnes are your typical 6-year-old twins. Except they're not. Their parents are the Winter Soldier and the Black Widow, and every government agency has their eye on them as serious candidates for the next Avengers. Along with their enhancements, the twins seem to have a knack for mischief which (most of the time) ends up with some very exasperated parents.
1. The Paint Incident

A young couple walked briskly down the school corridor. Her red hair, carefully done to fall in waves over her petite shoulders bounced with each step while her dress skirt shifted with every move her high-heeled feet made. The man was dressed in all black, but this wasn't the most distracting feature of his appearance.

In fact neither the man nor the woman blended in, but the man stood out for the sole reason that instead of his left arm being made up of flesh and blood it was made out of metal. It gleamed as he strode along and occasionally reached across the woman, but that was his only sign of affection. His steely gaze was fixated on the sole doorway in their path. They came to a stop in front of it, and the woman gave the man a reassuring look. The door opened.

'Ms Romanoff, Mr Barnes, do come in'.

Natasha cleared her throat as she stepped gracefully into the room. In front of her was Mrs Lainsworth, the straight-as-a-line, no nonsense headmistress. Natasha really didn't like her, but soon she would retire and some other unfortunate one would take her place. Of course she didn't focus for long on the old woman in front of her, rather the two children standing on newspaper to the side of her desk dripping wet with paint and looking more colourful than the Bifrost Bridge, looking at her with glum faces. She heard James sigh.

'Anastasia, Alexei since you are incapable of speaking at the present time without having a giggling fit, I will tell your parents what you oh-so precariously decided to do this afternoon'.

Anastasia was her father's daughter, although the spitting image of her mother, her grey-blue eyes which were James' remained on the floor. Alexei, on the other hand, had every inch of his mother's defiance and his green-blue eyes glared at the old woman, with dark strands of hair occasionally falling in the way. Yes, he looked very much like his father, but much less calm.

' The children were doing painting this afternoon and the twins decided to get particularly creative ' Mrs Lainsworth informed, gesturing to the paint splatters all over their clothes 'Of course they weren't the only ones affected by this sudden outburst' she continued. ' This behaviour, as I'm sure you'll agree is totally unacceptable and there will be severe con-'

'You do realise they're in preschool, right?' James asked as he cut her off, earning a wide smile from his son and a glare from his wife.

And it started from there. Turns out James was just as good as wrangling cranky headmistresses as he could shoot. He managed to get the children out of a month's worth of detention and instead Mrs Lainsworth settled for an apology letter which Natasha would end up writing anyway. Apart from the fact that they had to somehow get their paint-smeared children in the back of her Stingray without ruining the leather, it had been a successful afternoon.

' What exactly were you thinking when you decided to paint eachother?' Natasha asked her children once they were firmly strapped in the back seat.

' Well Mommy, you know how Uncle Steve is always telling us to be creative in tricky times…' Anastasia started

'How the he- how was that at all a bad situation?' James countered, correcting his language.

'The teacher is so STUPID' Alexei groaned, 'She always wants us to paint stuff of tree and birds but I wanna paint pictures of Daddy beating bad guys up'

'Don't forget Mommy' Anastasia urged

'And Mommy' Alexei confirmed.

'маленькие, I don't care what other things you paint in art class but don't paint on eachother ever again, ok?' James said as he turned to his children who were nodding in reply.

Natasha sighed and leaned back against the headrest. She reached out for her husband's hand, and the cold metal comforted her as they sped along the streets of New York. She had a hell of a headache coming around and she'd run out of aspirin so that would make her evening significantly more difficult. Maybe Wanda could do something to her head back at the compound. She glanced behind her. Sure enough, both of her children were fast asleep.

'You seem to be lost in thought, звезда моя'

James' words shook her from her worries. She rubbed her temple with her left hand.

'I'm just a bit tired that's all' she smiled, giving his hand a squeeze.

James glanced back at the twosome in the back seat and then back at his wife as if to emphasise the point of her exhaustion.

'You know, дорогой, they have you wrapped around their little fingers' Natasha teased as they pulled into the driveway that led to the compound's entrance.

It was true, because ever since James had been handed the twins in the delivery room six years ago, he had fallen in love. And no matter how emotionless he may seem, he truly loved his children and Natasha. She often daydreamed about a third child, but considering that their current brood seemed to be more troublesome than most, she decided that they would wait before having another.

James chuckled in reply as they pulled in beside one of Tony's many sports cars. The jolt of the car gave a soft awakening to the twins, but James pulled them out of the car, wrapped in a towel and carried them in his arms to the elevator. Natasha was hoping for at least a quiet reception but all hopes of that were smashed when the sound of Mariah (bleach) Carey filled her ears. Could Sharon not find anything else to listen to? Thy entered the kitchen where the owner of said music along with Wanda and Sam were doing an impromptu dance number to 'Heartbreaker'. Steve was watching the display and noticed them coming in. With a sigh of relief, he went over and turned the song off. He had obviously been looking for an excuse to turn his wife's music off. Sharon shot him a look and inquired into the twin's condition.

'Wanna fill us in on why your kids are dead to the world and covered in paint?'

'I don't know, wanna fill us in on how you offloaded your only child?' Natasha smirked, referring to the bubbly, sweet-as-sugar child that was Steve and Sharon's daughter.

'Thor desperately wanted to take her to the park' Sharon threw over her shoulder as she began to pour two cups of coffee, 'We were more than happy to let him'.

Steve pulled a face, ' Well actually, you were the one who let him, I didn't even know until 20 minutes ago'.

'Yeah, when you freaked out' Wanda added, cutting an apple in mid-air.

'You never know, Thor's idea of a park might be going to some realm and then playing with giant-ass dogs or somethin' Sam said.

Bucky was about to make a snide comment directed at Sam when a booming voice filled the compound.

'SIR BARNES, DID YOU BECOME SO TIREOME OF YOUR OFFSPRING YOU KILLED THEM DURING THE GAME OF BALLS FILLED WITH PAINT?' Thor called out as he strode into the room, Mjolnir in one hand and a very muddy Sarah Rogers in the other. She quickly jumped down and ran into the arms of her father, who lifted her with ease and didn't seem to be bothered by her dirty state. Her big blue eyes widened when she saw the twins.

Bucky glanced at the sleeping six-year-olds in his arms. It did indeed look like they had been killed in a game of paintball.

Thor's proclamation called the whole tower to attention. Tony and Bruce came mouths wide-open out of the lab, Pepper rushed out of her study, Vision and Pietro came in from the balcony and the gym door opened, letting Clint and Scott in.

'WHAT?!' they all shouted collectively.


	2. Children of the Avengers

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I didn't put a note on the first chapter, so you all were probably left in the dark! This story will be updated weekly or fortnightly depending on how much time I have, but always on a Saturday (In Australian EST time). This won't be exactly canon (if you've seen Thor: Ragnarok you'll know what I mean) but still follow quite closely to what happens in the MCU. Also, I'm sorry there hasn't been much Anastasia and Alexei action, but I'm setting up for something really funny to happen so get ready for the next chapter! Enjoy!

After she and Natasha had to convince Thor that no, Bucky had not lost his mind and killed his children in a game of paintball Sharon then had to put a stop to a crying fit from Sarah thinking that her two closest friends were dead. Luckily, her daughter had quickly figured out that the twins weren't dead and the threesome had been cleaned up and were now play-fighting in the living room, which their fathers were enjoying too much for Sharon's liking.

Right after Sarah had flipped Alexei over and had him in a choke hold, Sharon began to get more than a little paranoid about what Alexei, who was much, much stronger than Sarah would do next.

Luckily the tell-tale rumbling of the Wakandan Royal Jet outside ended the fight-turned-south and the children, accompanied by Steve and Bucky hurried to greet T'Challa and Nakia, who were already smiling widely and rushing up to the children.

'Well if it isn't our royal counterparts' Sharon puffed after following the group as fast as her six-inch heels let her. They had become a necessity after marrying Steve.

Nakia turned to Sharon,' Well I couldn't stand being away from the kids another week longer' she beamed, while giving Anastasia's hand a squeeze. Nakia did love their kids.

'Any idea when our good Doctor will be joining us?' T'Challa put in, standing next to his wife.

Of course, Sharon had forgotten completely about the reason why the twosome had arrived. About 24 hours ago they had received an alert from Fury about a newly formed HYDRA base which they would need to take down the following morning. She hadn't told Sarah yet, and she didn't think the twins had been told either, so she kept quiet.

'Yeah, well the party doesn't start till I walk in' Stephen Strange said sarcastically while Christine Palmer, his equally sarcastic girlfriend rolled her eyes. By now the entire Avengers had assembled on the landing pad, including Cassie Lang who just had been dropped off and was already being smothered by Wanda.

'Sarah, Anastasia, Alexei, go play with Cassie' Bucky suggested and the children scampered off.

Sharon eyed her daughter all the way until she reached the compound, and when she turned back to the group, the mood had significantly changed.

'So I presume no-one's told them shit about what's happening tomorrow morning' Tony questioned, referring to the kids. Everyone nodded.

' Outskirts of Kiev, there's an underground system' Steve had gone into mission-mode, 'Minimal damage, we don't have a lot of room to work with, in-and-out and remember those files we talked about'.

The files Steve had mentioned were those discussing a certain Sinthea Shmidt, someone who had cost SHIELD a lot of agents and ended Sharon's second pregnancy two months in after Sin, as she was called stabbed her in the stomach. Steve had been very cautious about Sharon's missions after that.

Tony ended Steve's speech prematurely, with a sigh and 'We'll talk about this later'.

' So where were those files ke-' Sharon started but was interrupted with a loud cry.

'MOMMY! DADDY! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING ON A MISSION!' cried Sarah, clearly distressed.

Steve and Sharon exchanged a look, and rushed back towards the compound, the rest of the team closely behind.

Sarah was staring at a collection of files, presumably information about their target while Anastasia and Alexei raided the pantry for chocolate, and if their brown-smeared faces were anything to go by, they had been sucessful.

'Why didn't you tell me?' pouted Sarah, regaining the attention of the room while Wanda telepathically took the twin's stolen treat.

'Well, Sarah, you see, we kind of wanted it to be a surprise' offered Steve.

'The last time you went on a mission Mommy got all stabbed up by the snake lady and I don't wanna see that again!' Sarah continued her rant.

'We'll take good care of your mother Sarah' Sam reassured with a smirk. God Wilson was infuriating sometimes.

Sarah wasn't convinced entirely but the fact that Scott brought pizza for dinner significantly improved her mood. By the end of the meal, all her playing and pouting over her parents 'doin superhero stuff' had caused her to fall asleep. Sharon thought it too good to be true, and she was correct. She had put off carrying her daughter to bed before she could wake-up (gossiping with Pepper was so much more interesting) and the minute she got up to take Sarah away, all the adults and still-awake children instantaneously perked up. The multicoloured ray, from Asgard was beaming directly onto the balcony and Sharon had a pretty good idea of who it was.

'Oh great, reindeer and alcohol-obsessed Aphrodite are here' groaned Bucky. Loki and Valkyrie had arrived.

Ooohhh! Valki shippers are going to **love** my next chapter, I just know it!


	3. Royal Asgardian Babysitting Service

AUTHORS NOTE: Hello everyone! I did say last week that Valki shippers were going to enjoy this chapter, and I didn't lie! This chapter is another setting-up chapter, but I threw in some banter from a couple of everyone's favourite sarcastic characters, so hopefully this will tide you over until the next chapter! Enjoy!

Steve had no idea why the King of Asgard and his astonishingly beautiful Queen- who everyone had learnt to be in constant fear of- were on Earth, and by the looks of things neither did anyone else, save for Thor. The nodding of his head and the almost-nervous glances he was shooting around the room gave him away.

By the time the group had assembled on the balcony, the couple had fully touched down via Asgard's magic portal and were soon being badgered by six eager children- in the bustle of their arrival, Lila and Cooper Barton had come on the scene.

'Lokiiiiii, show me some magic pleeeaasseee' Cassie pleaded, as Anastasia and Lila fussed over the massive ring that adorned Val's left hand, while the trickster God and his new wife smirked in Thor's direction.

'Well, have you missed me?' asked Loki, now producing a golden coin from behind Cassie's ear, causing the child to squeal with delight.

'I missed you as much as anyone who's been at the wrong end of your scepter could' Natasha sarcastically replied, 'but why are you even here?'.

Valkyrie laughed, smiled her gorgeously dangerous smile and tossed her inky black curls over one shoulder.

'What, Thor didn't tell you that he's recruiting us to babysit your children while you're away on this mission?' she questioned.

'YOU'RE GONNA BE OUR BABYSITTERS!?' screeched the delighted Anastasia and Alexei in unison.

As most of the team face palmed, Loki nodded in response and shot his brother an expectant look.

Thor spoke up, 'You know how we always have to leave the children with Lady Barton and she gets awfully tired?' he offered.

'So you decided to call your brother with murderous tendencies and your sister in law with a drinking problem to take care of them instead of my wife?' Clint summed up, looking as shocked as everyone else.

Thor sheepishly nodded.

'Even Nathaniel?' Laura Barton asked, so happy that her eyes were glazing over and she was having visions of a home where she could replace the children she would have had to babysit with bottles of wine, maybe even two per child.

As if on cue, the youngest Barton cooed and stuck out his chubby arms in the direction of Brunnhilde his blue eyes going wide when he caught a glimpse of the Valkyrie-turned-queen's elaborate violet-coloured headdress.

'Even Nathaniel' the queen replied, taking the gurgling baby into her arms, 'plus, we are in dire need of some parental experience' she admitted.

Steve knew she was right. Because of all the people Loki had pissed off over the course of seven years, namely Thanos, pretty soon job security would be required in the form of an heir to the throne. And remembering how Valkyrie, last week at one of Tony's after-mission parties, had literally skulled a whole bottle of liquor in the matter of seconds then proceeded to (seductively of course) lay all over her very pleased husband, Steve agreed they desperately needed some exposure to children.

'YAY! WE'RE GOING TO ASGARD AND WE'RE GONNA PLAY ON MARIO CART RAINBOW ROAD AND WE'RE SEEING ROCK MAN AND CRAB MAN AND EYE-PATCH MAN!' yelled a now very-awake Sarah.

Due to their children's extreme excitement about being in Asgard, the parents had no choice but to oblige and the six children that were capable of walking and were not being aww-ed over by a certain warrior queen rushed off to gather their things for their day in paradise- which was really a week in Asgardian time, but it seemed that Loki and Val hadn't remembered, so Steve didn't remind them of that fact.

Steve had to remind Sharon that she couldn't pack their daughter's entire wardrobe, because Sharon had a serious knack for over packing- she had sent Sarah to her first day of preschool with two entire changes of clothes, shoes and all as well as different accessories for each outfit. Even though this reminder had become a regular occurrence, Sharon still snuck three types of chapstick- watermelon, raspberry, strawberry and two tutus.

By the time Sarah was happy with her collection of bracelets she was bringing, the family made their way into the large living area, where the Barnes and Barton children were almost bouncing off the walls in their excitement, while Laura was writing a two-page, double sided list of instructions for her youngest son, which Brunnhilde was studying carefully. Laura scribbled down a last note with a flurry of the pen, and triumphantly handed Valkyrie the paper and Nathaniel.

Sarah gave her parents a last hug and skipped off to stand beside Loki. Sharon squeezed Steve's hand and gave him a sad look.

'Don't worry Sharon, the children are in good hands' Valkyrie reassured as they stepped out onto the balcony, taking Sarah's hand.

'I think we should be worried about Barbie bawling her eyes out' Tony sarcastically added, patting Sharon on the back, earning him an eye-roll from Steve.

Having finally detached themselves from their children, the parents stepped back, as the King and Queen, brought the children close to them and the rainbow colours of the Bifrost encircled them.

And they were gone.

The group of nine landed in the Bifrost, Loki and Valkyrie remaining on their feet, but the children rolling off in all directions giggling madly, while Heimdall gave them a puzzled look.

'We're back!' Loki announced, lifting a madly happy Lila to her feet.

Valkyrie made sure that Nathaniel was okay, and glanced up to Asgard, glowing a warm gold in the moonlight. She was home, and as long as the children and her husband didn't get up to any mischief, it was going to be a pleasant we-

A screeching of tires interrupted Valkyrie's thoughts. This was followed by a series of small explosions, but enough to make all the children run to she and Loki and for Nathaniel to starting fussing. Heimdall tilted his head in the direction of the city and Loki began to stride towards the origin of the racket. Valkyrie motioned for the children to follow.

What they saw was quite the sight. Skurge was doing burnouts on the Bifrost in the car Tony had gifted him- they had become good friends, while a squealing Miek was throwing small sticks of explosives at the car as Korg chased the vehicle down. And if the racket wasn't loud enough, The Grandmaster's ship began to let off a colourful array off fireworks, while blaring some ridiculous tune.

Brunnhilde looked down at the clearly annoyed baby in her arms as he began to screw up his face. She didn't have to be a mother to know what was coming next, and Nathaniel let out a loud, frustrated wail. As Valkyrie tried (and failed) to shush him, the tell-tale rumbling of thunder started in the distance and in a matter of seconds rain began to pour, soaking everyone.

Valkyrie looked at Loki.

'Shit'.

Ooohhhh I wonder what's going to happen next! I'll give you a hint, it's got something to do with the Grandmaster! I'm on a roll with my writing, so an Alexei-centric chapter might be up sooner than normal. Hope you enjoyed and please leave your comments!


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